Why a shark would win a mascot death match

Imagine if you will, that each County Cricket Club was represented, not by 11 players, but by the creature of their Club nickname instead

Now imagine if these creatures were pitted against each other in a “fight to the death” style knockout tournament

Who would win through ?

First of all we need to confirm the creatures for each Club

Almost half the Clubs are obvious:

Essex Eagles
Glamorgan Dragons
Hampshire Hawks
Leicestershire Foxes
Middlesex Panthers
Sussex Sharks
Warwickshire Bears

5 of the remaining Clubs are obscurely named after various humans:

Northamptonshire Steelbacks
Nottinghamshire Outlaws
Gloucestershire Gladiators
Worcestershire Royals
Yorkshire Carnegie

The Steelbacks and the Royals are named after soldier regiments (Napoleonic and World War 1 respectively)

The Outlaws is clearly a reference to Nottingham’s favourite Merry Men from Sherwood Forrest

The most famous Gladiators are undoubtedly the Romans and Yorkshire are named after Andrew Carnegie, an 19th century industrialist and philanthropic philosopher

Some Clubs, now with inanimate objects as nicknames, used to adopt an animal persona:

Derbyshire, prior to being the Phantoms, started life as the Scorpions and Surrey, before they became the Brown Caps, were the Lions

We need to be a little more imaginative with the others:

Lancashire have always been known as the Lightning so we need to adopt their mascot, Lanky the Giraffe, for this Death Match

Similarly, Chester the Lion would appear for the Durham Dynamos and the Somerset Sabres would be represented by Stumpy the Dragon

That just leaves us with Kent, who are called the Spitfires and have a mascot of …. a spitfire ! The most viable option is to take the pilot

So, we have the following 18 creatures in our arena of death:

2 dragons
2 lions
1 hawk
1 eagle
1 fox
1 panther
1 bear
1 shark
1 giraffe
1 scorpion
and 6 humans from across the years, namely:
1 roman gladiator
1 12th century outlaw
1 19th century businessman
1 Napoleonic Soldier
1 World War 1 infantry soldier
1 World War 2 aircraft pilot

Now, before we set them all on each other we need to clarify a couple more things:

Firstly, how are the humans armed ? The gladiator would have a sword and shield. Robin Hood would also carry a sword, as well as a longbow and a quiver full of arrows. The Napoleonic soldier would have a musket, the World War 1 soldier would have a rifle (with bayonet) and the World War 2 pilot a standard issue revolver. The businessman would be armed with nothing more than a pen !

Secondly, where would this fight take place – in the air, on the ground or in water ? Clearly most would flourish in one area and flounder in another. The only setting that all could exist in is a combination of land, water and air, so our death match would have to be held on a beach by the sea

OK, the bell sounds and it’s everyone for themselves

Predatory instincts would dictate the first skirmishes and the hawk would quickly perish at the hands (talons) of the eagle. Simple competitive rivalry between same species would account for one of each of the dragons and lions. The giraffe, without any defensive skills or the speed to get away, would undoubtedly be torn to shreds by the remaining big cat, the panther.

It is unlikely that the scorpion would last long. It may get a sting or two off before it is killed but this wouldn’t be fatal to anything bigger than the fox. If not stung by the scorpion, the fox would surely eventually fall victim to one of the humans.

The actions of the other animals would dictate the actions of the humans – if the humans were attacked by an animal they would undoubtedly fight them – if not then they would turn on each other. We can assume that, of the remaining land animals, only the bear would advance towards the humans. However, with the exception of the businessman, any of the humans would prevail because of his weaponry. We can also be confident that, if the businessman were lucky enough not to be singled out by the bear, then he would meet his end against any of the other humans.

With the humans turning on each other the gladiator would be at a severe disadvantage and, if not picked off at long range, would be outmatched in a sword-fight with Robin Hood. The man in green, in turn, would probably be shot by a bullet or musket ball before he shot anyone with an arrow

The Napoleonic soldier would be next to fall, either overpowered by one of the remaining land animals (the lion or the panther) or by the superior accuracy of the World War 2 pistol or the greater range of the World War 1 rifle

It is not inconceivable that the pilot would bring down the panther but that the lion would be too quick and strong to be stopped by a hand pistol. The lion would not fare so well against a rifle though

The surviving dragon would pose a threat at close range but the soldier would be able to shoot it down from a distance

However, restricted by the elements, the shark has posed no immediate threat to any of the other creatures and remained out of sight and mind in the sea. The soldier would be unable to pick off the shark from the safety of the beach because of water density and refraction. He also has a limited supply of ammunition. Once he enters the water he would be at the mercy of the greatest killing machine in the ocean

And that’s why a shark would win a mascot death match !